If you can’t read the rest of the journal it’s because the entire thing (save this post) has been protected…..


Because of the onslaught of snide remarks about “everything” I’m going to leave this post with a quote from camp….


YOU BECOME THAT WHICH YOU CANNOT FORGIVE…


*shrugs* remember that always

Well, my ‘rents had their “Kas is happy” radar on again……why else would they call me at 8:30 in the morning friday and demand I go back to nelda’s THAT MOMENT…..wasn’t even allowed to sleep in….Grrrr I mean, I love nelda and all….but living with aaron was so..comfy.

And then, my mom calls while I”m at work to “check up on me” and she sounds like she’s been crying……confusion! I dont know what’s going on but whatever.

Next week is officially my last at work….*sighs* kinda happy about it. The only real reason I took the job was because I was desperate for work and they called me back…..

Started my period today……can’t believe I”m happy about that…but I am.

Love, Kas

Okay, so I’m only getting like 10 hours next week at work…apparently I’m not needed and free to quit then right?

Had to deal with crystal today…and stephanie…can you say T-E-N-S-E? I have to close with crystal friday night….somebody wanna bring me liquor or a handgun? I’m tired of this…she said to me “If aaron picks you up you need to go to the bank…” Oh, like, lets not inconvenience my parents or my grandma…but Aaron is okay to do her bidding? *shakes head* fuck that.

I dunno……everyone feels like I’m forgetting about them…have I been that bad?

Love, Kas

*sighs* so much to update!!!!

Saturday Aaron and I spent the day in moody gardens (galveston) and then later went back to clear lake (where he grew up) and  I met some of the people he grew up with… I like them and (apparently) got approval  [giggle]  to be the girlfriend when I met his best friend, Quinton. LOL not that we needed approval, but it’s nice to know that his friends really like me and aren’t faking it like they did with stacey…that night we didn’t get done eating or anything until around 11:30…so, instead of drive back stupidly late to lufkin, we crashed at chris and susan’s (Quinton’s parents)…..that night was wonderful. The whole day was just so relaxed and calming….and that night aaron and I just got to SLEEP together… was kinda nice to wake up next to him in the morning.
We left there around 7 and got home a little after 9. After going to church and then coming home and taking a 2 hour nap…I closed at work. Aaron came up to see me (take that back, he came up to get a sundae for his mom) and took me home a little later. Watched a little TV (had some fun 😉 and then went to bed.
Yesterday morning I wake up to Aaron coming in and getting into bed with me… again 😉 lol then I went to work with him at SFA for a while…lol he works at the Entymology Lab…(means he works with bugs  [yuck] ) was kinda funny though. I kept talking to the tarantulas trying to get them to eat the crickets in their cages…(what? I wanted to watch…) but, sadly, the stupid spiders wouldn’t listen to me. Then we came home to wait for TCBY to call me so I could unload the fucking truck….Lemme mention the truck real quick. I HATE DOING THE GODDAMN TRUCK. I came home so fucking sore….still sore today as a matter of fact…think I pulled an upper back muscle but that’s beside the point. So anyway, I had to deal with stephanie and her “we’re not supposed to help y’all” crap. (which is code for “I’m going to stand and watch and be in the way and bitch when you dont do things that are on MY job list”) Yeah, apparently when you do the truck you’re supposed to go around and stock things that are low….for those that dont work at TCBY: IT’S ON THE CLOSING LIST TO RESTOCK THINGS THAT ARE LOW. *I* didn’t work that day. *I* didn’t know what was low. *I* didn’t know to check and restock. I assumed that it would get done on the closing list…shoulda known some people wouldn’t do their job properly. Came home, played Warcraft with Aaron for 2 hours 😀 (was fun) and then went to bed.
This morning Aaron crawled into bed next to me again…become so commonplace for him to do this that i hear the door open and just smile and roll over to make room.  [lovies]   This is becoming a great way to wake up. We both just rolled over and went back to sleep for 2 hours…and then laid in bed for 30mins before I finally decided I HAD to get dressed for work.
Work….ah work. I fucking hate my job now. I got written up. Yeah, do you believe that? Written up. For what you may ask? “Insubordination” that’s code for “I”m using my new asst manager position to punish those that dont do things the way I like, dont kiss my ass, and talk bad about my roommate” Yeah, one of the girls working with me is living with the asst manager. THAT HAS TO BREAK SOME SORT OF RULE BECAUSE THE BITCH GETS EVERYTHING SHE WANTS. SHE GETS ALL THE HOURS SHE ASKS FOR. SHE GOT THE POSITION INCREASE AND RAISE. AND SHE GETS TO ASK OFF WHENEVER THE HELL SHE WANTS. AND SHE SUCKS AT HER JOB!!!!!!!!!!! So, I’ve decided….I”m quitting. I have to leave before I go to college anyway. I”m gonna work out this next payroll (two weeks….this week and next) and then not come back. I”m putting in my letter of resignation this weekend. I’m not gonna go into all the details as to why….just know that I deserve it. *****Josiah, if you’re reading this, I beg you…do not say anything to crystal or stephanie. They dont need to know until I say something. Chelsey, this goes for you too k?*****
*sighs* well then this has been my few days…..I”ll update again later.
Love,
Kas

Last night was the night that hell froze over….

The person that I thought didn’t have it in his soul to feel remorse or compassion apologized for the pain he played a part in during the past year…I’m still not sure how much of it I believe or if he has alterior motives…but nonetheless, the apology was something that I’ve needed for a long time. I didn’t cry…guess that surprised me…was more like a slight state of shock. He explained his side and apologized for all that it put me through and for not being able to help me through it… I guess I’m still a little shocked. *sighs* You’d be amazed at what it has done for how I feel…about everything…about the situation, about myself, about him. I took the opportunity to vent all of the feelings that I’ve been holding on to since november…and told him all of the things I’ve wanted to say…He told me I deserved to forgive myself, and I deserved to get over this. I dunno what’s going to happen next. Right now I”m enjoying having that weight lifted off of my shoulders…maybe now I’ll be able to work through the pain…and finally forgive myself as well as him.

That’s the big update LOL more later

Love, Kas

last night was hell………

Aaron guessed about me and Josiah…..hit it right on the head…..a tear filled convo later I was laying in bed and decided to drink……2 and a half koolaid and vodkas after that I felt better….sick most of the day but it was worth it….*sighs* too much emotion to really update…but I am NOT a happy camper right now

 

love,

kas

*sighs* so much to update I”m afraid I’ll miss some of it….

Camp was…camp. When I’m home I have my world to distract me from things I dont care to deal with…at camp, however, it’s no longer MY world and all I have to do is dwell on all the crap I’d rather not think about. Let me tell you, other than my friends Sarah and Brian hooking up, I left camp happy to get it over with. Dont get me wrong, some of it was fun…but mostly made me upset and cry constantly.

Even better was after we took james to the airport….first of all, I’m upset (but not showing it) that my own bio father wouldn’t even LOOK in my direction…I mean, part of me doesn’t care…but yeah, it still hurt a little. Anyway, we’re eating (me, aaron, and the ‘rents) and Aaron and I make a comment about working camp next year. (David’s Posse or whatever) Dad goes off on a tirade about how Aaron and I didn’t behave at camp (EXCUUSE us for hugging and holding hands) I got pissed and stopped talking…even to defend myself…and focused on my food. ( a mistake I would realize later) and just sat back and listened to everyone argue and bitch…I finally gave up and announced “I’m going to the bathroom” and left the table and headed to the bathroom…and promptly threw up…*sighs* I had to deal with dad’s usual “This is your fault blah blah blah I”m disappointed blah blah blah” But I guess I should be used to it by now.

So, now I”m staying at Nelda’s house until they get back from their trip. (which is why I haven’t updated until now…..the comp there is password protected and Jr wont give me the log in yet) All in all it’s been a good time. Things are SO laid back…..it’s nice to just be able to be left alone. I mean, for the first time in forever I sad, uniterrupted save my getting a drink or going to the bathroom, and READ A BOOK…..

I guess I should mention my eating huh? Well, other than the puring incident on Saturday I’ve been a good girl. I started taking my Dexatrim again so I’m back to restricting. *smiles* feels good to look in the mirror and see bony wrists and slightly bony arms…to be able to turn around and see my ribs outlined on my back….to see my collarbones extending to my shoulders. I’m hoping to get down to 115 this time…2 pounds lower than my previous low weight. It’s hard though, staying at neldas…..typical g-ma… always wants to ensure that I’m eating properly…I”m getting used to the dizzy spells everytime I stand….and my hair is falling out slightly again. (I dunno if that’s because of my eating or because I’m due to start next week) It’s sick that I actually ENJOY feeling like this…any normal person would be running to the doctor to remedy these “problems”…but I relish them.

Now that I”ve typed a small novel I’ll go until next update.

Love, Kas

Long ass day yesterday…. I hate to drive…I get anxiety when I do it….throw in my dad in the car with me and that level rises a BUNCH….So, almost had a panic attack in the car, on the road…*sighs* stupid stupid stupid….

The night was ok…..work was busy…we had the busiest hour the store has had in 2 weeks last night…..didn’t even LEAVE until at least midnight…..And I had to be at work at noon today…so I’m wiped out…Top it off with me sleeping funny and throwing my neck out of place (hurts like hell) and today sucks…… I woke up naseous (mom was cooking bacon…maybe connection?) so I’ve only eaten a waffle cone, a sorbet fizz, and a rice crispy treat (home made)……waiting for dinner and then I have to pack for camp *sighs* I’m exhausted…..

I leave for camp tomorrow and I dont really want to go……dunno why, but I”m not looking forward to camp this year…..It’s my last year and I SHOULD be all excited but for some odd reason i’m not really……*shrugs* whatever, I’ll let y’all know how it goes when I get back…..yep this is the last post for, like, a week….. *scary music* what are y’all gonna do?!?! lol

Not much else going on….with posting every day it kinda makes ’em short because my life is BORING…

Love,
Kas

(gonna start doing this….not gonna give sources…just gonna give quotes)
QUOTE OF THE DAY: “Never forget that if you can’t stand the person you are…at least someone loves you…ME”

Clubbing was SO fun! Granted, people didn’t show up until almost an hour after we got there…but I’m one of those nerds that enjoys just sitting back and watching people interact with each other…so I really didn’t mind.

Before we left Aaron’s place (we went there so I could change clothes) Mike (his bro) and Mel (his bro’s gf) came home……Aaron goes “Mel, kas wants to beg you for one of your drinks…” and she goes “what drinks?” and I go “the alcoholic kind” and she paused for a sec and then goes “what I dont know wont hurt me…” LOL so I grabbed a Barcardi Silver Watermelon……after peeling that off (mike makes a comment when I had trouble opening it to the effect of “rookie”) we left. Get there and I’m NOT feeling the alcohol…..stupid bitch drink LOL Eventually we run into a friend of aarons (who’s over 21!) and Aaron goes “she needs alcohol” like I’m gonna die if I dont get liquor in my system quick or something….and the guy just HANDS ME A DRINK! I go “what is it?” and he goes “vodka” and I was like “hell yes” and started drinking……..*sighs* I’m gonna be a drunk when I get to college

Got in around 1am…..yeah, dad was waiting up on me….however, all he said was “have a good time?”….no inquiry or anything….same reaction from mom. maybe I’m grown up now lol

Working 6-close tonight *sighs* 12-5 tomorrow and then sunday I leave for camp dont wanna go…..wanna stay here and work! But *sighs* I’m paid for. Well, brian and aaron will both be there this year so maybe I wont get bored…….however, no alcohol lol

hope everyone is in as good a mood as I am!

love,
kas