Good day so far….of course, it’s only 7pm.

Had class…class went ok…Figured out that i need to start meditating again for Acting 1. (concentration exercise) Which is cool because I needed to start doing that again anyway. Goddess knows I haven’t been “in touch” with Her or anything lately…..

Working on this project for my Theatre App class is starting to get harder….because I have to reach down to that pained part that I thought I wouldn’t have to go to anymore….it means reading old diaries and watching the pain progress…..it’s just all around hard.

Not to mention the fact that I’m going home this weekend. I’m coming home on Sunday however….Fuck you Labor Day Monday. I’m coming home and spending labor day HERE. Fuck staying home. I like it here. I really do love living here….at first I thought about all the hell stories you hear about how much it sucks to live on campus…..but I actually like it. It’s become almost a home for me……like, I’ll ask Joey “what time are you coming home?” or when I go into Lufkin to visit I say “I’m going home tomorrow.” or whatnot. *sighs* It’s crazy but…yeah…..this is like my extended family. I’m at home here…in the college…especially in the theatre. And the theatre people are like my family….(with the exception of my dating stefan because that would be weird to think about any other way lol)

I dunno…..Very introspective the past few days. Stefan, you’re rubbing off on me making me try to figure myself out and everything lol

Love, Kas

*sighs* Today was going quite well until I got back and was checking up on everyone’s xangas….

Read Aaron’s and immediately signed off, threw on some running clothes, grabbed my walkman and headed out. Stopped long enough to let OT and Joey know what I was doing and left. Does it matter to me that I just ate? Does it matter that it just got done raining and is hot and humid outside? Does it matter that I haven’t jogged in months? HELL NO IT DOESN’T MATTER. It wasn’t even a jog. More like “sprint until you can’t breathe and then jog until you wanna pass out and THEN walk” I made two big laps around LMC campus and came home…..why? Because Stefan said I needed a better outlet than my skin. So I jogged until it literally hurt to breathe. I still have this slight urge to cut…but not as strong as before.

He said that everyone thinks I look like hell….and I was thinking about coming home next weekend…now I dont want to even CALL anyone.

Hurting people happens….it’s a part of life right? *cries* I dont know which is worse….hurting him now or risking hurting him later….everyone gets hurt…I can’t try to stop that.

This is the logical part of my brain talking…..Ana, on the other hand, is screaming at me that I’m worthless and stupid and that I do nothing but hurt people and that I deserve nothing but pain in my life because that’s what I do to other people. I keep hearing that I dont deserve to be loved, that I dont deserve to be happy….and occasionally that I dont deserve to live. I keep trying to tell myself that it isn’t true. That everything happens for a reason and that I’ll learn something from this and hopefully walk away stronger. But there’s still that thought…

I’m rambling…I know. But sitting here, typing away, gives my brain and hands something else to do besides “express my pain on my skin” as the saying goes. I feel juvenile because I can’t seem to find a healthy way to deal with these thoughts. Like, children can’t rationalize things properly…..and I’ve been called irrational more times than I can count. Doesn’t that make me a child?

Joey said that aaron was shocked that I wasn’t out drinking with everyone last night…..That’s partially because I’d been eating Benadryl most of the day AND the other night when I told Stefan he should have brought me liquor he just looked at me and said “you shouldn’t drink for comfort” I guess he’s right. (Insert Stefan saying “Damn right I’m right” lol)

I think I’m ok to go take a shower…..take half another Benadryl and work on my homework……if anything this helps me write my play right?

Love, Kas

DAMN Bath And Body Works Body Wash…..


Okay, so last night I discover that a couple of the bug bits on my shoulders are REALLY starting to look bad….so I took a Benadryl and went to bed early (1am lol)…..when I woke up this morning it hadn’t really gone away and I actually noticed the same reaction in another spot….So I call mom…….Turns out I’m allergic to B&B body wash…..So, the reaction coupled with the fact that the air is broken has given me this “wonderful” heat rash…..*glares* stupid bath and body works…….


On a lighter note I got my laundry done today *cheer*


Reading Aaron’s journal shows that he’s moving on……that’s what I told him to do so *shrugs* I just hope she’s better for him than I was.


Love, Kas

So……yesterday just got worse and worse….

My parents came up to school. Yep, I am fucking serious. Apparently they think I’m the whore of LMC. (Someone randomly emailed it to my dad….lets believe other people over our own daughter shall we?) My dad threatened to pull my scholarship….pull me out of my theatre classes (which takes my scholarship away)…..and just in general make my life hell. I’m on on a midnight lockdown now….like, the guard comes by to make sure I’m in my room at midnight. *screams* sucks ass. Dad went off about what a terrible person I am in front of Carrie….After he left I had a mini anxiety attack

But I got in after my ‘rents finally left and kinda lost it. I started frantically trying to find sharps…..started to literally panic because I couldn’t get the blades out of the razor…….*sighs*finally did…..you all know what happened next.

So after all of that my phone rings…..now, when dad threw his hissy fit it was during rehearsal……so my phone rings with Will calling to check on me…Stefan got on right after…(I’ve NEVER seen him that upset) And I kinda explained what was going on and asked him to come over so I wouldnt’ be alone…So Will, Stefan, and Aaron come down and I get hugs and comfort all around….PLUS Bear called and came over to check on me too….

But my ‘rents will be pissed….I haven’t spoken to any adults yet…..but from what I’ve gathered or what others tell me…..most of the adults are on MY side….

Love, Kas

Edited to Add: In my haste to finish my post I forgot to include that Aaron did call repeatedly to check on me as well and had NOTHING to do with this.

Three posts in one day….damn

Went to dinner after Aaron called me….Was okay once I stopped dwelling on it and just tried to enjoy the convo around me. Anyway, another Ana moment from my past comes up…..Stefan was saying something and I turned to look at him and started to get that “black out” feeling…For those that dont know…that only happened when I was 117!!! Even then it was more common when I stood up then when I was sitting down. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep….or maybe it’s the fact that this dorm is fucking hot now that the air is broken…again. So, I”m gonna take a nap and hope that feeling goes away…I mean, I”m eating so it can’t be that….can it?

I found this on the LB forum……it made me wanna cry because I know how she feels…..dont know why I’m putting this on here even….I”m having a pretty sick moment I guess…….maybe it’s the fact that we have to write a play for one of my classes and I’m using personal experiences from “that time” in my life………makes me remember things I care not to remember and think about things I’ve put off thinking about….

In any matter…..

Today i was thinking about my anorexia and i realised that it was the best time in my life. For once i was doing something right, my pain had gone i wasn’t alone i had a new best friend. We shared alot of fun together. I remember the feelings of elation as i got away with eating the bare minimum, smugly drinking my diet coke at lunch, the control!!! The way in which i viewed the world, music, people, school subjects- it was all mine and no body knew about it . The games i played with my parents, the doctor & my therapist. The passive little thing , sweetness and light, didn’t argue with anyone.

Then the shape my body took, it finally looked empty, the bones  it felt so right like i’d finally got home and i was at peace. I loved how my day became fuller cal counting, weigh-ins, exercising. The achievement and defiet of each pound. I felt perfect, me and my bones lying in bed in a ball my backbone poutruding out, thumb- in mouth watching the snow fall, the world going by. The way people would look at them made me feel so special, even if my parents were checking to see that i was still breathing in the night.

I also meet my old ex boyfriend at the time and had one of the happiest experiences with another person that i’d ever had and i feel in love within a week.I never felt a void and i could be free and starving at the same time.

Sorry to all that dont understand….

*sighs* well…….things are starting to mellow out I hope. *glares at boys* behave for a while EVERYONE.

My mood is starting to even out…..I think it’s because I haven’t had a full night of sleep in DAYS. *waves to the whataburger gang* Haven’t been in to bed before 1am in forever. Usually 2am is the norm…..but it was after 3am last night. Because someone stayed out with their new boyfriend until that time……Love you Joey.

I noticed today that my body is starting to go into “117” mode as I’m gonna call it. I started today and it wasn’t as bad as the previous months and I can’t help but think that it’s because I’m losing weight…..My body temp is lower (or, it seems to be when it isn’t HOT AS HELL in my dorm room….and no, stefan, I am not having hot flashes) I dont need as much sleep. It’s like being back Ana without caring what I’m eating.(Although, occasionally when I go too long without a meal and eat ANYTHING, even just veggies, I get this urge to make myself throw up…….haven’t done it…..but I guess old habits just die hard right?)

My “cuts” (not even deep enough to really be called cuts…more like scratches that bled) are healing well……no one really asks about them….Had to promise 3 diff people that I wouldn’t do it anymore NO MATTER WHAT. so *shrugs* I dunno

I just thought I’d throw down an update instead of continuing to read about BPD and depress myself.

Love, Kas

*sighs* I guess the word deserves and explanation. Contrary to popular belief I did not break up with Aaron specifically for Stefan…I broke up with him because I wanted to date Stefan….WAIT WAIT before you start saying “That’s the same fucking thing” Hold on a damn minute ok? What I mean is: I wasn’t as dedicated to the relationship as Aaron was. Just read his “list” on his xanga of guys I cheated on him with. (which, btw, nothing ever happened with chris besides late phone convos…..but whatever) HELLO. DOES THE ABILITY TO MAKE A LIST MAKE ME SOUND COMMITTED? heck no. I am a selfish person. I’ll admit that. It’s mostly because I haven’t gotten the hang of the whole “making choices for myself” thing yet. I spent so much of my exisitence doing things with my life to make other people happy with me. I didn’t care who I was as a person….as long as everyone liked her. I didn’t care what I did with my life…as long as everyone was proud. I mean, once the open-ended was posted on LB “If I were finally skinny…..”  and after a short list of things I ended it with “I would finally be perfect. And my parents would finally love me.” Because ya know what? I suck. I mean, my family spent a good part of this past year IN HELL because I fucked up and couldn’t fix it. I made them cry almost daily by just being alive. I can’t tell you the number of posts that went something like “I hurt people by existing” because, well, I do. I am a terrible girlfriend. I can’t remember if those exact words were said last night or not….but it was implied kinda. I’d have to agree. My ability to have a serious committment is seriously fucked up. Why? Maybe it was Josh turning away when I really trusted him. Or maybe it was when Aaron broke up with me and those walls went up twice as strong. Or maybe it can be taken all the way back to when I was 13 and Clint used me. (that is in no way putting everyone in the same category) I can’t help but think that maybe this goes back to Clint. That because my first sexual experience was……him I am unable to form healthy relationships now. Or maybe we can blame it all on Michael. Yeah, let’s blame the asshole that has/had the balls to call himself my father. They say that a girl’s understanding of the opposite sex comes from her relationship with her father……my relationship SUCKED….could that be it? I dont know.

This turned into a rant when it was supposed to be an explanation…..oops. All in all, if you need more just ask questions or try reading Aaron’s xanga.

I’ll leave this with a few things about Borderline Personality Disorder….I was diagnosed as such before getting booted from therapy.

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and
marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated
by five (or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternatingbetween extremes of idealization and devaluation
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex,substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria,irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper,constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

EDUCATE YOURSELF: http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.borderline.html

 

Love, Kas