THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YESTERDAY’S POST….BUT THE SITE WAS FUCKING UP
Well, Kita left for washington today…yep, I cried.
I broke up with Aaron yesterday. It’s sad really……made ME cry. I just wasn’t as…devoted to him as I could have been. The distance was starting to become more and more figurative the more literal it became, and I just want to see other people. *sighs* That was only the beginning…
The drive home from the break up was full of my mom. “You wanna know why we dont trust you to stay home alone this summer? Because we think that if someone wanted to party you’d offer up the house and there’d be drugs and alcohol. It’s not our house, it’s the parsonage.” ME: “I’m not that stupid.” Her: “Look at your track record.” AND THEN she tries to make it better by saying “I dont tell you these things to hurt you. The people you love will tell you the truth and sometimes it hurts…” And the day got even better
Last night I worked a 7 hour shift. Josiah came up to work to see me and crystal…he’s a nice guy, he’s been up there before and I’ve talked to him on occasion….He made me laugh so it was nice to have him up there. However…..
I get in the car, ready to just GO HOME because the day has been emotionally and physically draining as it is….and dad lets into me. *sighs* again. I get stuff like “If you just wanna be the kind of girl that ‘hangs out’ then we’ll send someone to Jacksonville that DESERVES to go to Lon Morris. you can just work at TCBY and ‘hang out’ with all the party people in lufkin. Eventually, you can become a cowgirl (there’s a club/bar called “Electric Cowboy” here) and have a baby on the hip and one on the way. Is that what you want to be? Because that’s where you’re headed.” What did I do to deserve this? Started hanging out with friends away from the house….asking to go out with people (and doing it on occasion) that he doesn’t KNOW really well….Did I get caught having sex with some overaged guy? Nope. Did I come home drunk or stoned? nope. Have I totally lost all goals on becoming a doctor? Contrary to dad’s beliefs, nope….
So, I called Aaron when I got home (he asked me to) and after a tear filled convo (due to the convos of the night and his apology) I just decided I had to go and was gonna sleep. Then Josiah calls (well, texts) to see if I’m feeling okay….and I call him and end up cryng for another hour at least with him assuring me (as aaron did) that I’m NOT a terrible person and that my parents are stupid….Finally I cried enough to be tired and fell asleep.
Why do my parents constantly tell me how terrible I am? I’m starting to believe it. I really am. My own parents make comments that imply that I’m gonna become a drunken whore when I go off to college…there’s a little voice in my head that tells me to not believe them, that voice is the work of all of my friends that care about me. And I thank Goddess for that. But sometimes I just feel like the MOST worthless person on the planet and wish that I had the balls to just end it all….because sometimes I feel like all I do is hurt people. Like, I serve no GOOD purpose in life…that all I do is cause upset and turmoil….And that is a terrible feeling.
This is why I dont eat. This is why I cut. Because no one punishes me but me. I hear “she’s stopped listening. It goes in one ear and out the other” when they let into me….but I do hear. I hear it all. And every goddamn word sticks. It all hurts. It all stays with me no matter what anyone else says. I mean, they’re my parents. I was brought up to believe that they would never tell me wrong…that I could always trust them to tell me the truth. so when they start saying how terrible I am…how am I supposed to go against everything that has become so etched in my mind?
Maybe it is all true. Maybe my friends just dont see. Maybe I’m fooling myself as well as my friends and my parents are the only ones that see the true me. Maybe I am worthless. Maybe I am useless. Maybe I am going nowhere with my life.
I need to stop thinking so much. I’ll kill myself like this.
love,
Kas
but i think the guys were REALLY uncomfy *sighs* hate that…. I do care for them both…..almost at an equal….makes me sad to know that I can’t make both of them equally happy. I would if I could too.
please dont do that babe. He meant well ok? chill
I dont know anymore. I’m ready to just graduate and go to college so the pre stuff is OVER.
Aaron and I are fine 
The stress of AP and Finals is over for right now and that makes things better.
have a nice day
Old Emo Xanga 