*sighs* Today was going quite well until I got back and was checking up on everyone’s xangas….

Read Aaron’s and immediately signed off, threw on some running clothes, grabbed my walkman and headed out. Stopped long enough to let OT and Joey know what I was doing and left. Does it matter to me that I just ate? Does it matter that it just got done raining and is hot and humid outside? Does it matter that I haven’t jogged in months? HELL NO IT DOESN’T MATTER. It wasn’t even a jog. More like “sprint until you can’t breathe and then jog until you wanna pass out and THEN walk” I made two big laps around LMC campus and came home…..why? Because Stefan said I needed a better outlet than my skin. So I jogged until it literally hurt to breathe. I still have this slight urge to cut…but not as strong as before.

He said that everyone thinks I look like hell….and I was thinking about coming home next weekend…now I dont want to even CALL anyone.

Hurting people happens….it’s a part of life right? *cries* I dont know which is worse….hurting him now or risking hurting him later….everyone gets hurt…I can’t try to stop that.

This is the logical part of my brain talking…..Ana, on the other hand, is screaming at me that I’m worthless and stupid and that I do nothing but hurt people and that I deserve nothing but pain in my life because that’s what I do to other people. I keep hearing that I dont deserve to be loved, that I dont deserve to be happy….and occasionally that I dont deserve to live. I keep trying to tell myself that it isn’t true. That everything happens for a reason and that I’ll learn something from this and hopefully walk away stronger. But there’s still that thought…

I’m rambling…I know. But sitting here, typing away, gives my brain and hands something else to do besides “express my pain on my skin” as the saying goes. I feel juvenile because I can’t seem to find a healthy way to deal with these thoughts. Like, children can’t rationalize things properly…..and I’ve been called irrational more times than I can count. Doesn’t that make me a child?

Joey said that aaron was shocked that I wasn’t out drinking with everyone last night…..That’s partially because I’d been eating Benadryl most of the day AND the other night when I told Stefan he should have brought me liquor he just looked at me and said “you shouldn’t drink for comfort” I guess he’s right. (Insert Stefan saying “Damn right I’m right” lol)

I think I’m ok to go take a shower…..take half another Benadryl and work on my homework……if anything this helps me write my play right?

Love, Kas