I found this on the LB forum……it made me wanna cry because I know how she feels…..dont know why I’m putting this on here even….I”m having a pretty sick moment I guess…….maybe it’s the fact that we have to write a play for one of my classes and I’m using personal experiences from “that time” in my life………makes me remember things I care not to remember and think about things I’ve put off thinking about….
In any matter…..
Today i was thinking about my anorexia and i realised that it was the best time in my life. For once i was doing something right, my pain had gone i wasn’t alone i had a new best friend. We shared alot of fun together. I remember the feelings of elation as i got away with eating the bare minimum, smugly drinking my diet coke at lunch, the control!!! The way in which i viewed the world, music, people, school subjects- it was all mine and no body knew about it . The games i played with my parents, the doctor & my therapist. The passive little thing , sweetness and light, didn’t argue with anyone.
Then the shape my body took, it finally looked empty, the bones it felt so right like i’d finally got home and i was at peace. I loved how my day became fuller cal counting, weigh-ins, exercising. The achievement and defiet of each pound. I felt perfect, me and my bones lying in bed in a ball my backbone poutruding out, thumb- in mouth watching the snow fall, the world going by. The way people would look at them made me feel so special, even if my parents were checking to see that i was still breathing in the night.
I also meet my old ex boyfriend at the time and had one of the happiest experiences with another person that i’d ever had and i feel in love within a week.I never felt a void and i could be free and starving at the same time.
Sorry to all that dont understand….
Old Emo Xanga 