*sighs* I guess the word deserves and explanation. Contrary to popular belief I did not break up with Aaron specifically for Stefan…I broke up with him because I wanted to date Stefan….WAIT WAIT before you start saying “That’s the same fucking thing” Hold on a damn minute ok? What I mean is: I wasn’t as dedicated to the relationship as Aaron was. Just read his “list” on his xanga of guys I cheated on him with. (which, btw, nothing ever happened with chris besides late phone convos…..but whatever) HELLO. DOES THE ABILITY TO MAKE A LIST MAKE ME SOUND COMMITTED? heck no. I am a selfish person. I’ll admit that. It’s mostly because I haven’t gotten the hang of the whole “making choices for myself” thing yet. I spent so much of my exisitence doing things with my life to make other people happy with me. I didn’t care who I was as a person….as long as everyone liked her. I didn’t care what I did with my life…as long as everyone was proud. I mean, once the open-ended was posted on LB “If I were finally skinny…..”  and after a short list of things I ended it with “I would finally be perfect. And my parents would finally love me.” Because ya know what? I suck. I mean, my family spent a good part of this past year IN HELL because I fucked up and couldn’t fix it. I made them cry almost daily by just being alive. I can’t tell you the number of posts that went something like “I hurt people by existing” because, well, I do. I am a terrible girlfriend. I can’t remember if those exact words were said last night or not….but it was implied kinda. I’d have to agree. My ability to have a serious committment is seriously fucked up. Why? Maybe it was Josh turning away when I really trusted him. Or maybe it was when Aaron broke up with me and those walls went up twice as strong. Or maybe it can be taken all the way back to when I was 13 and Clint used me. (that is in no way putting everyone in the same category) I can’t help but think that maybe this goes back to Clint. That because my first sexual experience was……him I am unable to form healthy relationships now. Or maybe we can blame it all on Michael. Yeah, let’s blame the asshole that has/had the balls to call himself my father. They say that a girl’s understanding of the opposite sex comes from her relationship with her father……my relationship SUCKED….could that be it? I dont know.

This turned into a rant when it was supposed to be an explanation…..oops. All in all, if you need more just ask questions or try reading Aaron’s xanga.

I’ll leave this with a few things about Borderline Personality Disorder….I was diagnosed as such before getting booted from therapy.

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and
marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated
by five (or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternatingbetween extremes of idealization and devaluation
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex,substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria,irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper,constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

EDUCATE YOURSELF: http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.borderline.html

Love, Kas