*sighs* so much to update I”m afraid I’ll miss some of it….

Camp was…camp. When I’m home I have my world to distract me from things I dont care to deal with…at camp, however, it’s no longer MY world and all I have to do is dwell on all the crap I’d rather not think about. Let me tell you, other than my friends Sarah and Brian hooking up, I left camp happy to get it over with. Dont get me wrong, some of it was fun…but mostly made me upset and cry constantly.

Even better was after we took james to the airport….first of all, I’m upset (but not showing it) that my own bio father wouldn’t even LOOK in my direction…I mean, part of me doesn’t care…but yeah, it still hurt a little. Anyway, we’re eating (me, aaron, and the ‘rents) and Aaron and I make a comment about working camp next year. (David’s Posse or whatever) Dad goes off on a tirade about how Aaron and I didn’t behave at camp (EXCUUSE us for hugging and holding hands) I got pissed and stopped talking…even to defend myself…and focused on my food. ( a mistake I would realize later) and just sat back and listened to everyone argue and bitch…I finally gave up and announced “I’m going to the bathroom” and left the table and headed to the bathroom…and promptly threw up…*sighs* I had to deal with dad’s usual “This is your fault blah blah blah I”m disappointed blah blah blah” But I guess I should be used to it by now.

So, now I”m staying at Nelda’s house until they get back from their trip. (which is why I haven’t updated until now…..the comp there is password protected and Jr wont give me the log in yet) All in all it’s been a good time. Things are SO laid back…..it’s nice to just be able to be left alone. I mean, for the first time in forever I sad, uniterrupted save my getting a drink or going to the bathroom, and READ A BOOK…..

I guess I should mention my eating huh? Well, other than the puring incident on Saturday I’ve been a good girl. I started taking my Dexatrim again so I’m back to restricting. *smiles* feels good to look in the mirror and see bony wrists and slightly bony arms…to be able to turn around and see my ribs outlined on my back….to see my collarbones extending to my shoulders. I’m hoping to get down to 115 this time…2 pounds lower than my previous low weight. It’s hard though, staying at neldas…..typical g-ma… always wants to ensure that I’m eating properly…I”m getting used to the dizzy spells everytime I stand….and my hair is falling out slightly again. (I dunno if that’s because of my eating or because I’m due to start next week) It’s sick that I actually ENJOY feeling like this…any normal person would be running to the doctor to remedy these “problems”…but I relish them.

Now that I”ve typed a small novel I’ll go until next update.

Love, Kas