Things fucking suck.
Okay, Aaron comes over today and we TALK…which actually turned out quite well….however, he had talked to my ‘rents before he talked to me…so I was dreading when he left because I knew I was gonna have to face the fucking inquisition when they woke up.
And I was right.
“What happened?” “we talked….” “did anything come out of it?” “We’re good now” “I guess I’ll have to call aaron and see what came out of it.”
*******
“So, are y’all back together?” “I can’t see other people and be with him….that’s a pretty STUPID way to think” (by this time I’m irritated)
And I messed it up by asking to spend time with John Carlo (a woman at church’s grandson…wants to kind “hook us up” a little…….yeah, he’s 23) My dad flat says no…..”he’s too old for you…he’s a grown man, you’re 18″ OKAY……..and there’s no one older than me like that in college? Or gonna be around in college?
I dont think it’s really hit my ‘rents yet that I’m going to college in the fall….hell, I’ve been 18 since march and I dont think THAT has registered yet….
Even as I sit here posting, I’m typing as fast as my fingers will fly, watching my time because I have a THIRTY MINUTE TIME LIMIT on the computer….And my 15 year old brother is allowed to play his playstation for 3.5 HOURS!!!! (Granted the trade is that he has to read for 2 hours a day as well….but I read for WAY more than that in a day…)
Plus, we go to the college tomorrow….I WAS looking forward to that, college and all. However, last night my ‘rents make comments to the effect of “We know most of the adults at the college so you’ll be supervised” fuck no. We are NOT playing this fucking game anymore.
I actually had an anxiety attack last night….actually sat and had an all out anxiety attack. All of the shit that’s been going on the past few days hit at once and I broke hardcore. I was on the phone with Aaron just crying and breathing frantic and just kept saying “I”m not doing this anymore, I’m not dealing with this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t deal with this.” and I can see another one coming on tonight….I’m just more prepared for this one so I’m holding off to have it until I’m sure no one is gonna walk in and ask “What’s wrong?” without really caring.
They dont care. I know they dont. They can’t. They say they do all of this because they care. BULLSHIT I’m fucking miserable because they “care”…I’m never having kids. why? Because I’m afraid I’ll care about them.
love,
Kas