THIS IS TODAY’S

I want to die. I’m hurting him…and because of that I deserve to die. I deserve to hurt. It’s like part of me is being ripped out when I see him in pain. I read his journal and it makes me cry…. But part of me feels like I haven’t made a mistake…that even though this hurts it’s the right choice. Granted, there was probably a better way to do it…an easier way…but I dont see how. I just hate hurting him. I hate hurting anyone. Especially someone that was there for me when I needed it.
He wanted me to explain how I could love someone and not want to be with them…I guess it comes down to everyone telling me I’ve changed since Parker. I think I see it too…and I dont want him to get hurt by it. I dont want him to be hurt if I fuck up again. So, breaking up with him is a protection from ME because I love him…
I’ve eaten the past few days….and I mean EATEN! For instance, today dad makes the comment to my mother in the car on the way home from a picnic “No one at much of anything today. Even Kasondra ate…” I know I never take things the way they’re intended…but it was kind of like a “what the fuck?” moment. I didn’t say anything. Just smiled a sarcastic smile and pretended to sleep…..
I want to die. I really do……the question remains, do I have the strength to live? or the strength to die?
Kas